At the anxiety workshop we talked a lot about what’s normal and what isn’t normal and needs intervention. Sometimes it’s clear — your child absolutely refuses to go to school or your teen tells you she’s depressed and is thinking about hurting herself. But other times it’s more ambivalent. Are these tantrums normal? Is your reaction to them making things worse? Can counseling help your 7-year old’s struggles in school?
Here’s how to figure it out.
Are you or your child missing out?
Is the issue — sadness, anxiety, anger — getting in the way of your everyday lives? Do you find yourself spending more and more time trying to move from one place to another? Is she expressing frustration or sadness with how things are going? Are you?
This is the number one way to know that it’s time to get help. If you or your child are avoiding things, if the problem is disrupting the normal events in your lives, that’s the very definition of troubled. It’s one thing to be scared of dogs; it’s another thing to be so scared of dogs that your child won’t leave the house. It’s one thing to want to stay home from second grade; it’s another thing to scream and hold onto the door frame when your dad tries to move you out the door to the bus stop. It’s one thing to have a lousy day where your child falls apart at the zoo; it’s another thing when you can’t go to the grocery store because of your child’s tantrums in the cereal aisle.
If you find yourself living around your child’s challenges, it’s time to get help.
Are you at your wit’s end?
Do you dread confronting your child or dealing with transitions? Do you find yourself unhappy with your child more often than not? Are you losing sleep because you’re worried about her? Do you find yourself asking friends, relatives, strangers for advice?
Parenting is no endless ball of fun but most of the time it’s pretty good. We can all have bad days and even bad weeks but if you aren’t enjoying your child and your child isn’t enjoying you, you both deserve help. Parenting is hard but it shouldn’t be so hard that you find yourself crying or yelling at the end of the day. Counseling can help you have fun being a parent again.
Are other people expressing concern?
Is your child’s teacher sending lots of notes home? Are there people you trust who are worried? Do you find yourself constantly defending your child?
Sometimes other people can see what we can’t. I’m not saying that every kid who’s not clicking with her teacher needs help but if the teacher’s concerns ring true or she’s the last in a line of concerned people, it might be time to get a new perspective. If you’re not sure — is your mother-in-law’s criticism valid or not? — a counselor can help you figure it out.
It’s hard to know when we can handle what’s happening for our kids and when we need professional help. Fortunately you can call a therapist and ask her. Does this sound like a concern? How will I know when it is? What might it look like if we come in right now? Further, you can get help simply because you want it. If you use your insurance to pay for counseling you (or your child) will need a diagnosis but if you don’t use your insurance then you don’t need a diagnosis. (I do not take insurance and so I do not give a diagnosis unless it’s warranted and will serve the client. I’d say most of my caseload is made up of people who don’t necessarily qualify for a mental health diagnosis but do deserve and benefit from professional help. You can speak to the therapist you’re working with to learn more about diagnosis and treatment.)
You don’t have to figure this all out on your own.
(I’ll be writing more about kids and therapy this week. Stay tuned!)