On feeling stalled

Last summer I decided to try to jump on our new trampoline. I went out there, stood tall, bounced several times to get the feel of it and then got ready to jump and lift my feet from the mat and … stalled. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make my feet come off of the mat anymore than I could jump off a building. Every time I tried to lift my feet my body knew with absolute certainty that I would die even though my logical mind knew that this was ridiculous.

It’s a sensory issue. My body knows what it knows even when my mind knows it’s not true.

I’m having a day when I’m feeling frustrated with my limits. I feel like I’m standing on that darn trampoline knowing every other person can jump (this is a lie — I know there are lots of people who can’t jump but when I’m wallowing in self-pity I feel like I’m the only person splashing around in all that melancholy) but unable to lift my feet even an inch. It’s so easy for some people and I wail (to myself, because I’m an introvert), “Why is it so hard for me???”

That day I tried to jump on the trampoline for true instead of only metaphorically I just laughed at myself (kindly) and got off the trampoline. I said to my own lopsided little sensory-challenged self, “So you can’t jump! Then go do what you can do!”

It’s what we need to say to ourselves when we’re facing down limits. Sometimes we need to take a breath and comfort ourselves so that we have the courage to push past them. Sometimes wallowing is the first step to getting out of that self-pity wallow.

Plus February in Ohio is a hard month. We should probably be extra nice to ourselves in February since the sun is so often hiding.

Yes indeed, this is another post that had an earlier version on my old persona blog, this woman’s work.

Comments 6

  1. I excel at stalling/sabotoging myself. I overthink and psych myself out. Or some days, i think I’m just lazy.

    Different reasons but I hate that feeling and I hope you break through soon.

  2. Blame February, indeed. It’s such an isolating month–last night I had an attack of the “everyone has tons of wonderful friends, except me” around midnight. Lovely.

    Also, I love this: “Go do what you can do!”

  3. Oh my, you’re singing my song! Truthfully, doing the 12 steps in Al-Anon is helping me enormously with this overall (shifting things I never expected – someday I ought to blog about that, I suppose!), but I still have these kinds of days. (Sometimes I can even limit these periods to, like, hours now).

    In the time I’ve known you, you have appeared to me as a person who intentionally pushes her own limits as a regular life practice. I’ve seen it in you so often, I’ve found it inspiring. So there! If there are some you can’t quite break through, maybe you don’t need to. Or maybe when you stop worrying about them, you’ll shatter them. I don’t know. Whatever the case, I think you’re awesome!

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