When I was 18 and in college I had a terrific women’s studies teacher who was addressing media representations of women and the tyranny of thinness. In my reaction paper I wrote something about how every woman I knew wanted to lose weight and my professor wrote next to this in the margin, “Not me!” And I didn’t believe her because she was fat. Not just heavy (the euphemism my friends and I used to describe the not-skinny among us, which seems to have been replaced by “bigger girl” these days) but actually fat. Like the kind of fat we were scared of, the kind of fat we were all running from. I couldn’t think of anything worse than being that fat. But her words in the margin set me thinking. They came back to me through the years as my own body shifted and changed as I met other women who were able to accept their bodies and the bodies of the women around them.
Now I am fat myself, the kind of fat that used to scare me, and although I am sometimes a little thinner and sometimes a little heavier, I am pretty much fat no matter what I’m eating (or not eating) or how much I’m exercising (or not exercising). Which means that I am and will likely remain a fat therapist and in the same way that I assumed I knew something about my women’s studies professor just by looking at her so I know that my clients assume they know something about me just by looking at me.
I have talked to other fat therapists about this because we are all aware that there are some clients who quite simply won’t be comfortable having a therapist who is overweight. They may assume that I don’t know what I’m doing because they believe fat people couldn’t have it together (otherwise they wouldn’t be fat). They may assume that I myself have low self-esteem or cannot control my eating or don’t understand the value of exercise or a thousand other ideas that many of us have about fat people and these things may get in the way of them being able to feel comfortable working with me.
So what do I think about that?
Well, I don’t think anyone ought to work with a therapist who they cannot trust so I understand that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea (that’s why there are lots of different counselors in the world — to meet the needs of lots of different people). If someone comes to me and doesn’t feel comfortable with me for any reason (because I am fat or because they don’t like my office decor or because they don’t like the music I play in the waiting room) then I will help them find another therapist. It’s why I have a rolodex. If I can’t help someone who needs help, I don’t want to leave them hanging.
But I also think that there is a lot of opportunity in being a fat therapist. I think we need more fat role models who are happy and healthy and loved so I am proud to model the acceptance of bodily diversity in my acceptance of my own body. My personal and professional philosophy is one of Health at Every Size.
I’m writing about this because I think it’s important that we talk explicitly about our experiences in a world that has a limited view of how a woman (and increasingly how a man) should look and so I try to talk about my experience. I also bring it up as a way to let clients and potential clients know that this is a discussion we can have together. I am happily and willingly opening that door.
This is interesting to me, because my long-term therapist is very thin and I have found it difficult to talk about weight issues with her because it is easy to assume she can’t relate. But, she does have the redeeming feature of being poor with her time (running late, etc) and I like that about her because it is easy to think she has it all together. And who does. It’s funny to be writing this because I haven’t seen her in over a year, but I met with her every week for 3 years, so I definitely still consider her *my* therapist.
Someone emailed me off-blog to talk about how this goes both ways; I can definitely relate!
Thank you for this! As a therapist whose body tends to be on the thin side, I find that my clients assume (rightly, sometimes) that I won’t understand their experiences with their bodies. I have a number of go-to articles on body acceptance that I refer people too, and this is now one of them!
Christine, I would love to hear your thoughts as a thin therapist who may be working with fat clients in regards to Margaret’s comment above. Maybe you could do a blog post and leave the link here?
I found her comment ,”I don’t want to leave them hanging” kind of distasteful when talking about clients seeing a therapist–am I too sensitive to this or does anyone else see a possible suicide reference in that statement? Most likely not intentional–still, kind of weird to me.
Thanks for your feedback. It was certainly not intentional but I appreciate you letting me know that some people might find this offensive. I will be more mindful of that in the future.
I love this because its so wonderfully transparent and that’s only helpful for all of us. It also made me think about the women’s studies prof who taught me about body image/dismorphia/hatred and eating disorders and ultimately had a big effect on my healing. Seriously, someone should conduct a study to see how many women have been positively influenced by a women’s studies instructor in terms of how they view their bodies. I’m guessing a lot.
I would love to see a study like that, too. And I wish I could go back and talk to my classmates then and see if they had the same epiphany that I did there.
I appreciated reading this and it mirrors my own concerns. I spent the last 8 years as an addictions counselor and often wondered if my patients would find me less effective because I was overweight. Applying the same recovery concepts to my eating patterns as I was teaching them to apply toward addictions did help me lose some weight, but as you say, I am pretty much fat anyway. I’ve come to the same conclusion that you have, in that our patients can benefit from seeing an overweight person happy with their lives.
Thanks for your thoughts, Vicki, and I know that *I* always appreciate fat & happy role models so I’m glad you are out there doing good work in the world.